Dearest Gym,

We need to talk. Now that we’re a full month into our 6th year together, I have to take a pause and really put our relationship on the table. Honestly, there’s been too much building up inside for me to just pretend everything is okay between us. Because let’s face it, we’re a mess. Not only do we hardly see each other, but I cheat on you constantly. Not in the way you think though. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I don’t frequent other gyms behind your back as I’ve kept my word (by contract) to be a one gym man. I do, however consume foods at late hours, even after you close. It’s shameless.

When you really think about it, I’ve never loved you. It’s always been function over form. In fact, my friends, family, and all around social pressures are the real forces that brought us together. Do you realize that we’ve never shared the same interests?  I’m so accepting! I don’t complain about the terrible music you loop because I’ve learned to drown it out with my own. I’ve never liked the people who hang out with you but I’ve never complained. There’s so many types to rag on but who am I to make judgments? All I ask is to just be real and explain to me how I’m supposed to like this guy:

I know some of your member friends go back a long way with you too. You’ve helped them become more capable people, or at least you’ve strengthened their physique to help them look like more capable people. In my experience, they just stare a lot, sweat all over the place, and babble on their cellphones whenever we’re together. I’m not jealous, I just want you to know how I feel. Before you question our contract, let me make this easier and lay out the pros and cons of our relationship:

Pros

1. I pay for you every month, unless I put you on hold, so you can never call me cheap.
2. This would be worse if we were in a long distance relationship.
3. You make me feel positive about myself, get me to feel healthy, etc (whatever).

Cons

1. I will never be fully faithful.
2. I will never fully respect you.
3. I refuse to see you after meals.
4. I need to be away from you on weekends.
5. I like pie.
6. You smell.

I guess I always wanted us to have passion, like all those great scenes in the movies where people bond with their gyms. Not like I feel left out in the snow or anything, but it’s never been the fast paced, high-tech experience I’ve always wanted.

I’m going to do my best to give you more time this year and put my sarcastic comments aside. Lets focus on making things right. I will make an effort to come see you more often and I promise not to leave the minute I see you’re busy. If all goes well, I won’t hurt us so bad this year. Just stay strong.

Somewhat Yours,

LB